


The Wedding Planners

by CommaSplice



Series: Westerosi Internet [1]
Category: A Song of Ice and Fire - George R. R. Martin, Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Crack, Epistolary, Gen, Red Wedding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-17
Updated: 2013-06-17
Packaged: 2017-12-15 07:16:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,490
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/846809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CommaSplice/pseuds/CommaSplice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Imagine if you will, a GoT AU where they have suddenly acquired 21st century communication systems (yeah, I know, it's nuts, just work with me here). Now imagine the planning it would have taken Tywin Lannister, Walder Frey, and Roose Bolton to produce the Red Wedding. This is my take on it. </p><p>Some spoilers for the books. </p><p>Usual disclaimers. Not my characters. I'm just playing with them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Wedding Planners

**Author's Note:**

> I was inspired by a post on Tumblr: http://lovingastory.tumblr.com/post/52138415905/i-cant-stop-picturing-how-the-correspondance. I originally posted this on Tumbr under the title "Wedding Planning 101."

To: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Wedding Festivities

Dear Lords Frey & Bolton:

It would seem prudent to begin “the special entertainment” immediately after the ceremony. Please let me know your thoughts on this matter.

Regards,

Tywin Lannister

Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * * 

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Walder Frey, (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
Subject: Re: Wedding Festivities

Do you realize how many brats I have? I’m just marrying off the one daughter. If he gets killed in the crossfire, I’ll be back where I started. I don’t need to have to find her a husband after this. The “special entertainment” happens after the bedding.

Bolton: You’re not married, are you? Do you want one? I’ll let you pick. You can have her weight in silver. Lannister: feel free to jump in on this. Same offer.

Lord Walder Frey  
Lord of the Crossing  
The Twins

* * *

To: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
CC: Lord Tywin Lannister, (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
Subject: Wife (was Re: Wedding Festivities)

Frey: 

I might be interested. Please send me a list with their ages, vital statistics (height, hair color, eye color, weight, etc.).

R.B.

* * *

To: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
CC: Lord Walder Frey, (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Irrelevant nonsense ((was Wife (was Re: Wedding Festivities))

While I appreciate your efforts to keep me informed, please be aware that I am very busy trying to deal with Seven Kingdoms; a deluded daughter who thinks that being Queen Regent gives her actual power; a psychopathic grandson; and a whore-mongering dwarf son. I have neither the time nor interest to worry about Lord Bolton’s wedded state. 

T.L. 

* * *

NeedsNoViagra: His nibs has his knickers in a twist  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: ;-)  
NeedsNoViagra: He needs 2 get laid.  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: I want 2 be there when u tell him that  
NeedsNoViagra: Think he’d want a wife?  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: LMAO No.  
NeedsNoViagra: OMG I am drowning in children  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Have u thought about using condoms?  
NeedsNoViagra: My sword likes 2 feel the open air  
FlayedManHaveNoSecrets: TMI even 4 me  
NeedsNoViagra: Did u get the file?  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: No. Send again, pls  
NeedsNoViagra: Check Ur email  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Got it…  
NeedsNoViagra: Any you like?  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: “Fat Walda” sounds gr8t. I’ll take her.  
NeedsNoViagra: Will send the $$$ to ur Paypal after the wedding.  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: NP. I know where u live

* * *

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
Subject: Lost and Found

Guess what! Your son is here. He brought a friend. Do you want him back?

R.B.

* * * 

MemeticBadass: Of course I want him back, you idiot. Is he unharmed?  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Um…Well, he’s in the baths right now. What about his friend? Do u want the friend back too?  
MemeticBadass: Lannisters don’t have friends  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Okey doke. I’ll send him back 2 u. Hey, when u were here, did u use the bear pits at all?  
MemeticBadass: I want him back right away  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: KK. So anyway, the bear pits?  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)

* * *  
To: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

In light of your objections, I reluctantly concede that the "special entertainment" should be moved. I propose we change the festivities to during the banquet? I suppose there is something to be said for Stark and his men being drunk before we attack them. Perhaps dispatching them after the first course would be an appropriate time.

T.L.

* * *

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

What part of “I have too many damned brats” did you not get? After the bedding or it’s a no go. 

BTW, Lannister I expect you to take some of these girls off my hands. Doesn’t have to be you, although the Seven knows you need a woman. I’ll take nephews, second cousins, whatever you got. 

* * *

MemeticBadass: Genna?  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: yeah, what up, Bro?  
MemeticBadass: Marriage to a Frey has not improved you.  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: :-P U know that wasn’t my idea.  
MemeticBadass: What does “:-P” mean?  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: OMG, Tywin. You have got to get into this century.  
MemeticBadass: I’m going to give you and whatshisname Riverrun. Keep it quiet  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: It’s kind of big. Em and I are trying to downsize. And aren’t the Tullys going to have a fit? Darry might be better.  
MemeticBadass: Lannisters don’t care about lesser Houses.  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: Sigh.  
MemeticBadass: Your father-in-law will have fits. Besides I owe you for not successfully stopping your wedding in the first place. A Lannister always pays his debts.  
CurvyGirlsHaveMoreFun: I am so in. TYSM! ((((Tywin))))  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)

* * *

To: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
CC: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
From: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

Suggested order of events:

1\. Wedding Ceremony  
2\. Banquet (w/music thru dinner)  
3\. Bedding  
4\. “Rains of Castamere”  
5\. “Special entertainment”

R.B.

* * *

To: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
CC: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
From: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

Suggested order of events:

1\. ~~Wedding Ceremony~~ Introduction of my daughters  & granddaughters/Robb Stark eats crow  
2\. ~~Banquet (w/music thru dinner)~~ I inspect his slut of a wife and make everyone uncomfortable  
3. ~~Bedding~~ Wedding Ceremony  
4\. ~~“Rains of Castamere”~~ Banquet (w/music thru dinner)  
5\. ~~“Special entertainment”~~ Bedding  
6\. “Rains of Castamere”  
5\. “Special entertainment”  
To Do:  
Band: (me)  
Food: (me)  
Liquor costs: (Lannister)  
Misc:  
I’m seating Bolton next to Catelyn Tully. Be extra creepy with her. She’ll hate that.  
You might want to wear some armor under your coat. My archers aren’t the best  
BTW, Lannister, you still haven’t gotten back to me with how many girls you’re taking off my hands. Again, I’m not picky.

* * *  
MemeticBadass: Kevan?  
StalwartYoungerBro: HRU?  
MemeticBadass: what does “HRU” mean?  
StalwartYoungerBro: sigh…Genna was right. You just don’t get chatspeak, do you? What’s going on?  
MemeticBadass: I have good news and I have bad news.  
StalwartYoungerBro: k  
MemeticBadsss: We’re going to defeat the YoungWolf  
StalwartYoungerBro: Gr8t… er Great! What’s the bad news?  
MimeticBadass: How is dear Lancel?  
StalwartYoungerBro: He’s spending a lot of time with the Septon, why do you ask?  
MemeticBadass: Sounds like a wife is just what he needs.  
StalwartYoungerBro: Um what?  
MemeticBadass: He’ll get to pick of course. There are one or two who are not offensive. He also will get Darry. Sending you the file now.  
StalwartYoungerBro: k, sec  
StalwartYoungerBro: Seven Hells, Tywin! The Freys?  
(MemeticBadass has signed off)

* * *

To: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

Your revised agenda is acceptable. May I suggest an instrumental version of “Rains of Castamere?” The effect will be more subtle.

T.L.

* * *

FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Subtle? Robb Stark? Is he serious?  
NeedsNoViagra: heh  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: I’ve been skulking around him for 1 & a half seasons & he still trusts me.  
NeedsNoViagra: The Starks aren’t the smartest knives in the drawer  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: BTW, Robb Stark will bring the direwolf. Thing is effing huge.  
NeedsNoViagra: It’s on the list. I’ll make him kennel it. What’s the wife like?  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Hot, if you like them slutty and foreign.  
NeedsNoViagra: I do.  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: Heh. My bastard has a great idea for the ending ceremonies.  
NeedsNoViagra: Gr8t  
FlayedMenHaveNoSecrets: So I think we’re a go and we can send out the invites.  
NeedsNoViagra: Right after I bang my child bride

* * *  
From the Desk of the Dirtiest Old Man in Westeros

To Do:  
 ~~Book The Fertile Frey Experience”~~  
 ~~Send “The Fertile Frey Experience” song list~~  
 ~~Arrange for Kenne for direwolf~~  
 ~~Arrange for archers for direwolfl~~  
 ~~Memorize names of daughters and granddaughters~~  
 ~~Arrange for Septon~~  
Tell wifey to take herself off to the bedding so she doesn’t get hurt  
 ~~Practice looking sincere when I lie and tell Robb Stark I forgive him~~  
 ~~Tell Lord Tight Arse I want more than the 1 skinny nephew. He needs to take at least more girl off my hands~~

* * *  
To: Lord Walder Frey (FreysDontNeedViagra@TheTwins.com)  
CC: Lord Roose Bolton (FlayedMan@Dreadfort.com)  
From: Lord Tywin Lannister (HandoftheKing@Kingslanding.gov)  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Wedding Festivities

I believe this concludes our business. It has been an ... interesting experience working with you both. I wish you the best of success on your future endeavors.

Regards,

Tywin Lannister  
Hand of the King  
Lord Paramount of the West  
Warden of the West  
Lord of Casterly Rock

* * *


End file.
